The unlucky kid in the fourth ninja war
by World at War
Summary: Because psychotic espers, and crazy magicians weren't enough. Kamijou Touma now finds himself in a completely different yet very familiar place. A place where fighting and war has become a habit.


The beach, fun in the sun, and in the water.

Well... That was what a certain misfortunate boy was trying to imagine something to be.

"Damn you sun! Why can't you be more cooler like your alter-ego, the Moon!"

Kamijou Touma cursed to the heavens in a dramatic fashion, he knew he was just waisting energy, but he just wanted to point it out for the heck of it.

He was trudging slowly in the sand, contrary to what I previously mentioned, he was not at the beach. He was in fact in the desert.

The sun was glaring at him, if this keeps up, he'll have a new all powerful admirer.

His summer uniform was now drenched in sweat, he has only been walking for a few minutes but it felt like hours have already passed.

Kamijou wiped the quickly forming sweat on his forehead and glanced around the place. He could see nothing but sand, sand, and guess what? Sand. It was so hot, he could already see the heat waves.

He dropped to the ground and hugged the very hot terrain.

"Sand... You're the only one that understands me."

If this goes on, he'll go crazy... -yer.

But that wasn't the only problem he has, he was also thirsty, which was stereotypically obvious in this setting, and also one of the main reasons of his current mental state.

The boy looked up to the sky, there was only one cloud.

"Ku ku ku! Do you seriously think I would rain for you, you lowly peasant!" The cloud said in a spoiled noble like tone to the poor boy.

Kamijou returned it with a glare. "Stop mocking me! I just wanted water! Is that so much to ask!?"

"If you want rain, then you have to begged for it like the plebeian you are." The cloud laughed in a haughty manner.

The boy just stared at the sky, a sudden realization had just hit him, maybe drinking cactus juice wasn't really the best way to quench his thirst.

"Well...? I might even give you permission to lick my feet."

Yup, he was now seriously regretting it.

Ignoring the imaginary(?) shouts of the cloud, Kamijou continued his pursuit to nowhere, cause he was lost.

Dessert survival rule number 1: Optimism, or was it cardio?

Anyways, he needs to be optimistic about this, even if its hopeless.

The boy clenched his fist, if he's still breathing, and if he's still conscious, then there's still a chance.

"Guts!"

Now with his resolve strengthened, the boy ran forwards, with glistening eyes of endurance and all that whatnot.

* * *

><p>"So I was just relaxing in some hot spring like a normal law abiding citizen and then this white haired dirty old guy came out of nowhere and just jumped out to me for no reason at all." Deidara said as he rode his giant flying exploding bird.<p>

The guy next to him nodded, as to seem that he was listening to his parters rant. Both of them were walking forward, well one was flying.

"And he even had a nosebleed on."

"Maybe it's because he thinks you're a girl." Sasori said nonchalantly.

The blonde haired Akatsuki member gritted his teeth. "The hell did you just say!?"

"I said, 'that pervert thinks you're a girl', do I seriously have to repeat myself to you?"

A tick mark appeared on Deidara's forehead. "Eh? If you don't want to, I could always just blow off your mouth, so you don't have to say anything ever again."

"Why don't you just go do that to your own mouth, you obviously have three of them, or am I missing something? Do you also have mouths on your feet?"

"Ha, ha, that's hillarious!" Deidara laughed sarcastically. "If you weren't so funny, I would have already exploded my sticky white stuff on your face."

...

"Dude! That sounds so wrong."

"Guh!" Deidara was caught off guard. "Damn! That sounded way more cooler in my head!"

Sasori sighed, who said that the journey is way better than the destination. They had been walking for a while now, and the Akatsuki base is still far away.

The sun was above, it fiercely staring at them, he glanced at his partner, he was sweating profusely, this was one of those days Sasori was glad that he didn't have a normal body.

"Are we there yet?" Deidara annoyingly questioned.

Sasori face palmed. "Seriously!?"

"What? We can't have a road trip without saying that quote, it's just not right."

"You know what? I give up, do what you want."

Deidara blew his bangs to the side as he continued to speak. "Just don't blame me if they ran out of good parking space."

"That doesn't even make any sense, we're both on foot."

"Actually, I'm riding a bird."

"Whatever." Sasori had decided that he had already enough of this crap.

The blonde Akatsuki member shrugged until he noticed something.

"Oh hey! There's a kid over there." Deidara pointed at some random direction.

"Didn't I already tell you that I- Wait what?" Sasori turned his head to where his parter was pointing. And true to his words, there was a person there.

The boy was on his knees, he seemed to be saying something to the heavens.

"Oh sky gods of yore, I beg yee for thou waters to be blessed upon thee, to this lowly vagabond." The unknown spiky haired boy shouted.

Both the Akatsuki members could hear him clearly, and from what they could tell, the boy was...

"Crazy?"

"Nah, more like eccentric." Deidara interjected.

The two of them sighed. "We should just ignore him, we're on a schedule after all." Sasori looked up to the sky to tell the time.

"Yeah... He doesn't really look like much of a threat."

Sasori nodded. "There's no need to kill him."

"But that doesn't mean that we can't have fun with him." Deidara licked his lips.

If Sasori was still capable of showing emotion, it would be of disdain for his partner.

The blonde snickered. "When I'm done blowing him, he won't be able to walk for a few months."

The puppet master inwardly face palmed. "How about you let me do the talking."

* * *

><p>Kamijou Touma was no survivor, sadly he found that out when it was already too late.<p>

Maybe I should have paid more attention to those survival television shows that Index sometimes watches when there's no new episode of that magical girl series.

I guess things was going to end like this, the sad part was, that he was going to die without ever experiencing something lucky in his life.

But damn hell he was thirsty!

Maybe he should drink his pee, I mean that british guy on that television series did it, so why couldn't he?

Kamijou went into a thinking pose, he wasn't that desperate, was he?

He felt like mumbling something to the sky. Something stupid.

Kamijou wasn't really thinking straight anymore, so he just did what he felt like doing. Which was pretty random. He glanced at the sky and said some kind of rain chant that he had heard from some documentary.

Though he quickly stopped when he noticed some figure approaching him casually.

He squinted his eyes towards the direction of the two, both were covered in a black cloak, with red cloud patterns. The sun was shining behind them. Which made it more harder to see.

"Are you the substitute shinigami that has come here to take me to the soul society?" Kamijou asked them, it seems that he has already accepted his fate.

"Um... No..." The guy riding the magical bird said, well that was what the boy thought.

"Diedara! There is no use talking to him in his current state, give him something to eat."

"Okay, okay, no need to be bossy about it." Deidara took an apple from his pouch. His parter glared at him. "And no, this is not an exploding fruit or whatever you're thinking this is. I'm not a crazed psychopath you know."

Deidara said with a huff as he handed the apple to the boy.

Kamijou stared at it for a few minutes, like it was something that he has never seen before in his measly life.

"Is that a Devil Fruit?"

**"No, It's an apple!"**

"If I eat this, will I unlock my final form?"

**"Final Form!? What final form!? Just eat it already!"** Deidara was now seriously considering if he would just blow this kid into space.

The boy gave it a thought for a moment, before he nodded and took a large bite from it. "Wah!" And just like that, a large surge of power openly engulfed the boy. "Gaaaaahh!" A whirlwind of black aura spun around him.

"Ban!-Kai!"

**"Bankai!? What do you mean Bankai!?"** Deidara swiveled his head to the guy next to him. **"And you! Why aren't you doing anything about this!?"**

His parter had a snot bubble forming in his nose. **"What the hell! Are you sleeping!?"**

"What-who-where?" Sasori snapped out from his nap, realizing what the blonde was saying to him. "No I wasn't!"

**"Yes you damn were!"** Deidara face palmed. **"This is the reason why I'd rather have sharkboy as my partner instead of pinochio."**

"Why? Because you wanted to be lavagirl?"

**"For the last time! I'm a boy!"**

"Wait, you're not a girl?"

**"Just shut up and eat your apple!"**

"Calm down my right arm, you will have your turn in due time."

**"The hell you will! And that's your left arm you're holding!"** Deidara had a couple dozen tick marks on his face as he shouted to the spiky haired boy. "And stop acting like you're some kind of shounen protagonist."

"Wow! you're giving a lot of punch lines."

**"It's your fault why I'm doing this!"** Deidara pointed a hand at Sasori.

Kamijou striked on a pose, like he was going to fire his ultimate attack. "Calm down man. Or else, I'm going to use my secret technique on you."

**"Secret technique!? You really are crazy! Why did we even bother with you!"**

Sasori tried to calm down his parter. "Relax Deidara, maybe he's on to something."

**"The only thing he's on, is getting on my nerves."**

"Do you seriously think you could defeat Burning Ultimate Dark Flame Dark Lord Master!" A semi dark aura appeared behind him as he said that.

**"You said 'dark' two times!"**

"Are you mocking me!?

**"Are you suffering from some kind of mental disease or something!?"**

The boy covered one of his eyes with his hands. "Am I, or are you just trap in one of my all powerful illusions."

"Guh!" A surprise look was on Sasori's face. "Are you telling me, we are in a genjutsu?"

**"The hell!? Not you too! This kid is obviously an escaped mental patient!"**

"Nooo!"

After a while of giving random retorts to the pair of idiots besides him, Deidara was now on the ground breathing heavily, it seems that the both of them was too much for a ninja of his class to handle.

"One piece swimsuit is obviously better, it gives you the mystery and thrill on what she is hiding inside that swimsuit, oh the wonders of the human imagination is infinite, which makes it even more exciting to see."

"Exciting to see? They might as well wear a gown while they're at it, what's the point of a swimsuit if you can't even see the skin!"

"Skin!? Who needs skin! I've seen so much skin in my life, that I'd rather watch puppets wearing swimsuits playing in the water than that!"

"So!? I've also seen my respective amount of it in my short memory span, but you don't see me complaining about it!"

Sasori and Kamijou were now on each others throat.

**"Gaah! Why won't you people shut up!"**

They turned their heads towards the sulking blonde guy.

"Yo! you okay?" Kamijou questioned to the guy, thankfully, after eating a whole apple, and also arguing with the turtle looking guy on what kind of swim suit is better, his mental health has finally recovered.

It was oddly fast, like the boy was already used to it. Sasori noticed it, but he didn't comment on this.

Deidara glared at them. **"Okay!? We've already waisted so much time here, can't you just do that when we're not in a mission!"**

"Oh yeah, forgot about that."

**"Then we should go now!"** Deidara growled.

Sasori turned to the boy. "Well, what he said."

Kamijou scratched the back of his head. "He he, thanks for the food, it's a big help." He glanced at the bird. "Before you go, I just wanted to ask, but who is that red headed guy who looks unconscious at the back of that giant white bird?"

"Oh you mean him?" Deidara followed his gaze. "Well... Um..."

"He passed out after drinking too much." Sasori interjected between the two.

The blonde joined in. "Yeah, he's not really good with that much."

"Oh... Well I guess thanks again, i don't really want to bother you or anything, so we should say our good byes for now."

"If you follow the sun you could find the nearest village."

"Huh?"

"Just follow our footprints kid, the wind isn't really strong for today, so it's pretty easy to backtrack."

"Ah okay, but what about you guys?"

"Us? We still have a job to do."

"Then I guess this is goodbye."

"Remember kid, just follow the footprints, and also if you see a bunch of destroyed puppets, then you're going in the right direction." Was the last words Sasori muttered to the boy.

And at that, the duo continued towards their destination, Kamijou watched them go as their figures faded into the dessert. He was waving them goodbye as they left.

Touma sighed, he remembered all the things he did before. "What the hell Kamijou!?" He face palmed at his ridiculousness. "Ultimate moves? Really?"

The brushed of the sand on his clothes, he was still sweating profusely, that he could not change.

_Backtrack the footprints._

"That's easy, it's kinda like playing one of those video games where they already give you the route to take." He smirked, things seemed to be going well for him.

And then a sudden gust of wind blew through the place, he covered his eyes in instinct. After taking his hands off from his face, the track that was pretty clear just a few seconds ago were now gone.

He spoke too soon on the matter.

"Such Misfortune!"

_Follow the sun._

Those words immediately came to his head. "Oh yeah, the sun." He glanced upwards.

And then he heard a loud rumble from the sky. It was quickly filled with clouds. "Seriously! Now you're going to rain!"

Kamijou cursed the pompous cloud again, I guess he was lost again. A lighting strike hit the ground near him, he jumped in surprise as he quickly fell to his rear.

"Damn you!"

The clouds started pouring in retaliation, he was now drenched in something other than sweat. He frowned at that as he sighed for the up tenth time today.

"If only this was the beach..."


End file.
